Grief and Mourning, by Scipio

When people and/or pets dear to you are taken by death and are suddenly gone, it leaves you shattered, empty, with questions, important questions, questions that cannot be answered.

The pain is deep and unending.  It rips a jagged hole in your heart. It puts a constant lump in your throat, a tightness in your stomach, and a faucet of tears down your face. It takes away your very life.  Time stands still. The world suddenly feels empty. Nothing seems to have meaning or value anymore. You feel adrift in a sea of impersonal humanity. All the goodness that was once in the world suddenly seems gone.

There is a pain of the soul that is every much also a physical pain that manifests itself in painful sighs and chest pains from involuntarily holding your breath hoping your lungs will wrap their arms around your broke heart. There are fits of restless sleep and a feeling of being in a daze.

I know life goes on. Right now, it’s not. Right now, everything is at a standstill. For me, it’s been sorrow upon sorrow.  Wave after wave of grief.

Well meaning friends point out the stages of grief you are going through based on a pseudo psychological study, the “five states of grief”.

Ruth Davis Konigsberg, in her book “The Truth About Grief: The Myth of the Five Stages and the New Science of Loss”, points out the so-called five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) is not backed up by any scientific studies, and much like Dr. Fauci’s six feet of social distancing, it “just happened.” Neither does the five stages address the fundamental issue with grief; emotional and psychological pain.  Besides, do you really want to believe Kuber-Ross who is a self-proclaimed New Age healer who gets her inspiration from two guiding spirits, Salem and Pedro?

A better psychological study of working through the emotions of loss is George Bonanno’s book, “The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science Tells Us About Life After Loss.”

Everyone feels sorrow, loss, and despair and grieving as individuals.  Conversely, loss is manifest differently in different cultures. It is generally accepted that it takes about two years to overcome a serious loss of a loved one, but the recognition of loss varies from culture to culture. For example, Tibetan Buddhist monks set aside 49 days of mourning.  Hindu families in India have an elaborate 13 day elaborate ritual of mourning.

Whatever your cultural context, your method and need for grieving and mourning is unique to yourself. Grieve the way you want to and how long you want to and where you want to. Allow your grief to be spontaneous in how it expresses itself.  Don’t bottle it up, let it out in whatever form it takes. Having people silently around you offering their non-verbal support through prayers or just letting you know they care is helpful.

Although I know this and write this, it is no comfort for me right now.

(Context: On June 15^th, my closest and best friend of 53 years died unexpectantly after a brief illness. This Monday, July 9^th, I had to put down my ten-year-old German Shepherd. Yesterday, July 11^th, I learned a church friend’s son and close friend of my two oldest boys committed suicide. He ended his suicide note with, “I love you, Dad. I will see you again.” For those of us who are disciples and followers of Jesus, Christ is our only hope and consolation in times like this.)